


The End

by ArchAlpha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Drunk Dean Winchester, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Pining Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-12
Updated: 2020-02-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 10:47:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22455979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArchAlpha/pseuds/ArchAlpha
Summary: Dean is having trouble accepting the fact that he no longer has to hunt. (Dean's POV-After 15x09)(This is my take on how Dean's life will continue after the show is over because I just can't say goodbye.)
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 3





	The End

**Author's Note:**

> My inspiration for this story is the song - I Should Live In Salt by The National (give it a listen, please)

For year's Sammy and I have had to live out of our car and motel rooms. I won't admit it but the day we moved into this damn bunker was one of the best days of my life, I was in my early thirties and I just couldn't be living the way I used to. I'm standing in the middle of my bedroom after a hunt, looking around at the concrete walls. It's the only bedroom I can call home. 

The pictures of Mary, John and baby Sam still hang there. I taped them to the wall and they fall down every other day and I don't mind. It helps me remember. Helps me remember that this is why I'm still here, _alive._ I have other pictures, pictures of Bobby, Garth, and _Cas._ These I keep in a old shoe box under my bed. I don't know why but I don't want Sam to see I have these.

I've always been secretive and I hate that about myself. There's things I've had to do to put food on the table for my brother that he'll never know about. I stopped hustlin' pool in my late twenties. After that, I was earning my money a different way. All I can say is that I'm so grateful to Charlie, she hacked a debit card for me and it's been smooth sailing since. I was getting too old to still be earning money turning tricks. Sammy probably thought I was I getting laid all the time but I was just earning money that way. To tell you the truth, it's been years since I've had sex. He probably thinks I'm still the man whore I was when we were younger, but I'm not. I'm tired of meaningless sex. I want it with... _it doesn't matter._

I keep forgetting to replace the flickering light bulb on the ceiling, doesn't bother me as much as it should since I don't spend much time in here. My bed is large enough for two, yet Cas still spends his time in the spare bedroom down the hall. There's a nightstand on either side, I should get rid of the second one, but I can't. Or won't- I'll always have it just in case. _In case Cas ever wants to share the room..._ I've had the extra nightstand for years, hell since Cas fell and became human. I was so happy when he was human, but it didn't last and yeah, I was pretty upset he had sex with that April chick. I almost choked on my burrito when he told me he lost his virginity and I had to play it cool because the freaking giant of a brother was standing right there next to us in the library.

I still worry about what my brother might think. His older brother shacking up with the Angel who dragged me out of hell the first time.

 _Does Cas realize I love him..._ He's an angel, he must know. He's told me once that angel's can pick up on a longing. If that's the truth, why hasn't he ever made a move? I know I can come off pretty close minded sometimes. I don't feel like I'm Gay, maybe I just want to make an exception for Cas. I swear I've dropped hints. I even cried on my knees back there, when we went to purgatory for the fucking leviathan blossom. Cas said he heard my prayer...I wanted to say I loved him, but there were monsters around. I couldn't risk them hearing it.

I hate purgatory, the only way I made it through was because of Cas. Benny too. I didn't get a chance to feel sorry for the fact that Benny was killed, I had to worry about Cas first. To be honest, when I woke up- I thought Cas was dead. I prayed to him, I said I was sorry. I said I was sorry to make myself feel better, thinking that he would hear me. I couldn't live with the guilt, and I'm sure glad I don't have to. He was alive and when I saw _my_ angel, I hugged him. I didn't care anymore...I've held back for eleven years. If Cas had been in a woman's vessel, I would've made a move a long time ago. It shouldn't matter that he's holed up in a body that used to belong to that accountant, Jimmy Novak. But I am relieved, that Jimmy made it to heaven to be with Amelia. Only if I could be so lucky, Heaven won't want me and it sure as hell won't want Cas. I'm sure Sam would get in, no problem. 

I'll never tell Cas, but I know he's got one of my flannels in his room. When he disappears for weeks on end I go to his room and look through his things. My flannel is hidden with one his coats, if I hadn't taken the coat to smell it I never would have noticed. I could say he feels the same for me but I can't. There's been times I feel like he likes Sam more than me, he's always helping Sam with spells and research. I've walked in on them alone so many times and I know it's not like that...but Cas, he doesn't come to me when I'm alone very much now. Sam's always gotta be there it seems. Like he doesn't like being alone with me. 

After purgatory, our luck has been a bit sour. Like we're normal, I like it but I've gotten so used to being a hunter that this _normal_ feels like straight up bad luck. Cas took off even after I apologized. I wish he would just... _stay._ I wish it was the three of us, all the time. Cas never stays with us longer than a day. The truth is, I'm dying inside...because I don't think Cas and I have ever spent an entire day together. I used to be able to hide how much it hurts that Cas takes off on us...on _me_ all the time, but I can't. I'm getting older and It's harder to keep drinking. I drink all the damn time, and no one says a thing. I'm not doing it for the attention but fuck, you'd think Sam being the health nut he is would beg me to drink some water once in a while. All I eat are chips and candy bars and all I drink is booze, I have no clue how I'm even alive. 

I don't want to be _normal._ Garth had to fix my damn teeth, I can't imagine going to the dentist every six months. I sure as hell don't want to get flabby either. I hate working out, if I don't hunt... I'm gonna get flabby. And Cas, forget it - if he doesn't want me now he won't want me once I go soft. I already know its coming, the beer gut. Bobby kinda had one, but Bobby looked good either way. Me getting flabby, not gonna look good. 

Now that my life is basically over as a hunter, I have no idea what to do with myself. Cas is the one good thing that's come out of this whole thing, aside from the many friends we've made as hunters. Sadly, we lost as many as we made too. I still carry the guilt of going to ask Sammy for help at college, I should have left him there. Jess would still be alive. Maybe dad would've come home eventually or maybe not. Maybe he still woulda gotten himself killed but...maybe we could have just _lived_ out our lives that way anyhow. I was still young, twenty six to be exact. I was hunting on my own, back when monsters were just a salt and burn. No apocalypse, no demons, and no _God._ Life was simple and easy. Sam was in school, he would've been a lawyer today if I hadn't come in and ruined his life that night. I should have waited, let dad contact me on his own or I should have looked for him myself.

I-I could've found Lisa earlier, maybe Ben really was my kid. I didn't work at the time, even though I had plenty of cash on me when we hooked up, she knew I didn't earn my money through regular work. We had sex one time, but I still think Ben is mine. There aren't many kids under the age of ten that could possibly like Metallica if they weren't a Winchester. It's in our blood. When Sam- you know, I really tried to live a normal life. I went and found Lisa, I tried to hard to make it work. I got a job in construction, yeah _me..._ I worked hard, but hunting seemed easier. I tried to fit in but never could. It was the hardest year of my life. I turned into my dad that year. I was almost abusive towards Ben, the fucking kid still loved me. I swear I was just trying to protect them from the monsters but I felt like the monster. 

That year, I never called on Cas once. It killed me...I had a little family, but I wanted Cas. Since Sam wasn't around and I wasn't hunting, I felt there was no reason to talk to him anymore. Cas was always busy with the angels way back then. When I found out Sam had been alive the whole time, I left that house just as fast as I arrived. 

If monsters weren't real, and we were never hunters - I think about that a lot. Sam would have been married and he'd be a lawyer. Me...I'd like to think I would've been a cop. Something like that. But yeah...I never would have met Cas. Hell, would angel's still exist if there was no monsters? If there was no hell, would there be a heaven? If monsters weren't real, then angel's wouldn't be real. Then no Cas. I guess I am happy to have been a hunter, but now...I don't know what to do. 


End file.
